Wot?

Here we have a JAV (Japanese adult video) exploration of the popular gloryhole concept though you would be forgiven for not realising it 'coz this cover is so full of pixels, crazy coverlines, thought balloons and blocked-out eyes that it's nigh on impossible to work out what the hell is going on.

Typical of the JAV approach to cover design--> total chaos, like the films themselves.

The crying game?

She's young, she's in school uniform and she's crying.

Is there anything the Japanese don't know about stoking the embers of male desire?

Something for Christmas?

Film: Dildo-making Artist

Studio: SOD

Naoko is a student of dildo making, a time-honored tradition passed through the generations. Her mother made her own dildos, her grandmother made her own dildos, her great-grandmother... you get the drill. Of course, to truly understand the correct shape, texture and form of her dildos, Naoko hits the streets and bangs every guy she sees.

Naturally, she has no time to use her dildos (what with all the endless "research"), and gives her work away for gifts at Japanese agnostic Christmas.

Gotta get away?

Yoshimi needed a break. Things were tough at work and Hakki wasn't returning her calls after the sake-party last weekend. She was flicking through the newspaper one Saturday morning when an advertisement caught her eye:

Go wild in the grasslands of the Kruger National Park, Meet the horny people of Swaziland, Encounter endangered rhinos in the Hlane Royal National Park and mate with them! Relax on white-sand beaches in Mozambique and enjoy the skilled hands of the tribe's resident masseuse, Camp out in Africa's wilderness, Encounter gentle giants with giant genitals in the Addo Elephant National Park. Marvel at the Chief's orgy tent, constructed entirely of ostrich feathers. Delve into the astounding Cango Caves for anal initiation. Sip semen wines at a Cape vineyard.

"That's it," Yoshimi exclaimed loudly, dropping her chopsticks in the process. "I need a holiday".

How about a little head?

Black man jams giant head up even larger cooze.

Government issues statement assuring public that the image has been pixelated for their protection.

WTF!

Hooray!

And now for something completely different...

Having a crack at the happiest cover award is this doozy, again Japanese. "Love Sex, Feel Great" is the motto of "Top Office Lady Sarasa" and, judging by the joyous expression on her face, it seems to be working.

Clearly, she has no idea what's about to happen. muahahaa

Now, THAT'S a reach around

You've heard all about it, even witnessed it in Anime but it's always remained something of an urban legend... until now.

Gentlemen, start your tentacles!

Just say no.

Masturbation is sometimes called "self love" or "solo-sex". It is a normal and healthy activity, and indeed is the way most adolescents discover what makes them feel good before they embark on an adult sexual relationship. In some cases however, it can become an obsession. And that is not healthy. Medically masturbation is not a physical disease. Problems arise when it starts interfering in our lives as a stress, guilt or a thorn in our relationships. Even if little masturbation does that then it is termed "harmful".

Steps

1. 1
   Decide whether your masturbation is a cause for concern.
2. 2
   Isolate the cause.
3. 3
   Deal with your feelings.
4. 4
   Change the thought patterns that are leading to excessive masturbation.
5. 5
   Narrow down the times of the day that seem to be the biggest problem for you.
6. 6
   Spend some time each day, perhaps in the morning, visualizing a new you.
7. 7
   Change your habits.
8. 8
   Have an emergency way out - When the wave of temptation comes you need to have a pre-planned emergency way out.
9. 9
   Have a snack.

Pass the mask

Take one canister of sleeping gas, one female classroom and one army of rapists and what do you get? A friggin' awesome cover, that's what!

With huge props to Battle Royale -- the legendary Japanese action novel and film that pitted students against each other in a killing game -- comes this stellar simul-rape film, titled, The Entire Class At The Girl School Is Raped By Using The Sleeping Gas. Not only title of the decade, but the cover shot is sublime, each girl perfectly prepared and ready for raping.

A masterpiece of modern JAV porn.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?!

They work hard, those Japanese; very industrious people indeed, always looking for ways to increase daily efficiencies. Surely one of the most popular and effective multi-tasking methods is the dildobike, which allows commuters to combine sex, exercise and the trip home into one easy activity.

Simply hike up skirt, straddle dildo, sit, and pedal.

Now, dildo bikes are nothing new but the Japanese have, thankfully, refined the model to ensure the rubber appendage passes through the seat and doesn't replace the seat all together, as seen in earlier models. Such an advancement provides untold support to the thighs, and helps to avoid nasty accidents.

Of course, there's also a stay-at-home model for those who prefer to conduct their sexercise in the comfort of their own home.

Where's it all leading, I hear you ask?

That's easy. Given the rise in the popularity of LARPing, a natural progression should see the dildo bike employed for recreating medieval pastimes, such as dildo jousting!!

What's wrong with this picture?

God bless the Japanese; they just don't get it.

Holy Begeebus!

OK I'll admit it. This cover scares the absolute shit out of me, but I don't so much fear the content as I fear the freaks who would buy a DVD like this.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Either this is an exercise in rabies porn (surely a first), or it's some kind of weird zombie adaptation in which the undead feast on pixelated cocks instead of brains.

Either way, God is dead.

Mmmm, pixels.

Attack of the er... 5ft woman

Much along the lines of the now infamous BigBoobs DVD (http://covermebad.blogspot.com/2011/04/quick-call-hooters.html), this supreme example of Asian cover design again highlights Japan's completely perverse size obsession; however, the focus this time is not on genitalia but on actual height.

Yep, the Japs have wheeled out the monsters, human freaks who stand so tall that they strike fear in the hearts of men everywhere. These two genetic disasters are... (wait for it)... 170 and 180cm respectively! That's right, my friends. Stare in horror as they pass through doorways with only TWO FEET to spare. Gasp in amazement as they qualify to board EVERY ride at the Carnival, and shriek with delight when they show their dexterity by riding in a NORMAL CAR!

Now, I've been trying to work out the reference to 3m and 50cm on the back cover and only just realised now that it's the combined height of our two leading ladies.

Put together like some kind of vagina-powered Voltron or Transformer, these two sideshow sluts measure THREE and a HALF metres! What kind of sick joke is this?!?! Chinese, steroid-taking basketball players have nothing on these two ladies of the clouds, so what chance do regular Japanese men have?? Surely this is a challenge for Godzilla alone!

No wonder the designers included the single English word "FUCK!!" on the rear cover.

Nothing else quite sums it up.

Welcome to Compton.

How awesome is this cover?! How awesome, indeed! The tiny Asian, the saucy lingerie, the liberal amounts of tanning oil, the mean ass motherfucka with the cool, Long-Beach-County headscarf... it's all here, bundled together in a box with the impeccably appropriate title of Black Fuck. There's absolutely no chance of getting duped by this little baby, 'coz there's no mistaking this film for what it is - a fuck with blacks.

There's just one problem. See that box in the top corner that says Max Mosaic? Well, that too is exactly what it professes to be. Maximum mosaic tiling in true Japanese style. Forget those black cocks. This film has mosaics so big that you ain't gonna see a damn thing!!

You'll still hear it all tho :D

Quick, call Hooters

Wow. Would you look at the size of the cans on that one? I mean, she has to be a B-cup, dude. B-CUP!! Massive.

Boy, things must really be tough in Japan if these waifs are considered "big boobed".

I can see this getting laughed out of the store in the US, and I can only imagine that Japanese men must be in heaven when they go anywhere outside of Asia.

Take it away, Janelle:

Owned.

Hmmm, needs more pixels.

God bless the Japanese. They declare all genitalia must be pixelated then pixelate the exact shape of the genitalia. Who are they really trying to kid?

I can see the boardroom discussion over this.

CEO: We need to ensure this DVD is safe from the inquisitive eyes of youngsters everywhere.

Subordinate: pixels, sir?

CEO: Hai!

Subordinate: Hai!

CEO: Hai! Mooooooooore pixels!

**roll weird Japanese commercial**

How many fingers am I holding up?

No, it's not a Japanese remake of Total Recall, but more of what you would expect from the kinkiest country on the planet. The selling point is simple here: three boobs. They're alone on the front cover, and they're on the back cover multiple times. And that's it. If you want three boobs, you'll buy it; if not, you won't.

That's what I love about the Japanese: they know not to over-complicate matters.